Last night, my son (6), daughter (8) and I attending a party at a friend's house. It was sort of a baseball reunion for the boys my son played with this spring. My husband was out of town. The party was great, kids flying everywhere, girls dressing up, boys yielding light sabers and parents talking and laughing. We left about 10:30 and as is tradition when my husband is out of town, the kids slept in our room, son on the floor (his request) and daughter on the bed with me. Both fell sleep with ease as mom tried to watch TV. I headed to bed after nodding off during the beginning of a Tivo'd episode of Grey's Anatomy.
At about 12:30 my daughter woke up crying. I tried to ask her what was wrong and what I can do to help but she became angry and said she didn't want to tell me. After about 15 minutes of crying (loudly) and not responding to my questions I picked up my son and brought him upstairs, this only made her more upset. At on point I tried to hold her and see if I could calm her down but she fought me, pushing away.
It is a familiar scene. We try to help, she acts angry and won't talk to us, we walk away and she acts as if we have abandoned her and crys. This push, pull can go on for a long time. After about an hour, I lost hope and started to cry myself...telling her I am just trying to help. After that she seemed to calm down.
Generally after an episode like this she feels shame, feels like she has upset us and can't control herself. She sometimes get depressed.
Our therapist tells us different things to try but it seems like when she is in the moment, not much helps. It seems like it needs to escalate to a certain point or last for a certain amount of time before she again becomes the daughter we know and love. I decided to start blogging about this to see if others have similar experiences and can offer help or suggestions.
I would suggest that you probably should figure out the best distance to be with your child. Be in the room, but a bit apart from her. Tell her you will be here when she needs you, but that you won't try to touch her unless she wants you to.
ReplyDeleteI haven't gotten this book, but I think it would be a good addition to have. Perhaps you can find it in your library. It's Aware Parenting, by Aletha J. Solter.
Here's a good quote from the book:
"Aware parents accept the entire range of emotions and listen non-judgmentally to children’s expressions of feelings. They realize that they cannot prevent all sadness, anger, or frustration, and they do not attempt to stop children from releasing painful feelings through crying or raging."
There is no way you can "talk" your child through what she is feeling WHILE she is feeling it. What you can do is talk with her in between the storms.
There is a great website to help with older children's emotions.
http://www.cyh.sa.gov.au/HealthTopics/HealthTopicCategories.aspx?p=287
I would print out the ones that seem relevant to your daughter and use them as a springboard to discuss the emotional storms she has. These are probably incredibly overwhelming and scary for your daughter, which is why she feels powerless and guilty for having them. The best thing you can do is try to get her to communicate her feelings about how things are going before they get out of proportion. She might accumulate hurts and frustrations until she can't contain them any longer. Then one seemingly benign thing just makes it all explode.
Kids' Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has some good ideas on how to bring down the intensity.
The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene stresses the importance of observing our children and trying to solve problems when they are small, not waiting until the last minute when they are too difficult to overcome. It's also important for us as parents not to do certain things that might tip them over the edge. I'm not saying you are guilty of that, but I know I sure had difficulties with being patient with her. When I started to lose empathy for what she was going through, I came to realize it would only prolong her meltdowns and make things worse for both of us.
Every person, every child, has a "point of no return". If you look closely enough at your child, and think back to the times just before she had an episode, you might have notice a pattern.
Oh...and one thing you might try - make sure your daughter has enough protein. My highly sensitive daughter was prone to have drops in blood sugar that made it difficult for her to cope with emotional stresses.
I will try to come back with more ideas as I think of them. I have to get some chores done. But I think you'll have some ideas and books to try and get from the library.
Best Wishes
Casey
Another thought I had...perhaps 1) something happened at the party 2) she was just overwhelmed by the flurry of the activity at the party, 3) she has nightmares.
ReplyDeleteMy 6 year old very highly sensitive child tells me she has nightmares at times that really scare her.
Perhaps you might play a game with your daughter today, and while playing ask her if she'd had trouble with of those things. Maybe, she'll be in a better frame of mind to talk.
Thanks for all the suggestions. She had another meltdown tonight and we had a huge powerful struggle. My poor son couldn't get to sleep. I know I am making mistakes all over the place but am trying. We have a night time plan and tonight she decided in a very angry way that it wasn't the plan she wanted. I am hesitant to give into her because then she is not learning to try on her own. I am frustrated. She seems to get to a position where she is crying (more like crying mixed with growling) and even if I start to empathize with her she acts angry and won't let me hold her or try to calm her down. I'm tired. I know I should be better at this but I am jut tired of it all.
ReplyDelete